Reflections

 

aaina mujh se meri pehli si surat mangi…….mere apne mere hone ki nishaani maange..

Music is a song of emotions. What you hear is what you feel at that point in time. I was listening to this popular ghazal today as I was getting ready to shave… The reflection on the mirror was a blurry frame… hey I might no longer have a 20/20 vision but it aint this bad either…I asked the mirror what's wrong with it and it said “dear I am always the same but you are trying to see what I cannot show”. I guess what I was trying to see there was what I have become and that’s when things blurred. Every step I took left behind its footprints, over the years, journey I look left behind millions of memories.

The journey always started with a plain canvas but don’t recollect it ever being blank. It started off with a simple chocolate bar , a candy, a roller-coaster ride, that fun swimming session at Cauvery river while flooding, those lush green paddy fields, those simple lies , those cheat sheets during exams, those moments of keeping a novel inside the text book and those dreams of having every girl think about me as I was of them …. Kisi ki aankh achche.. kisi hont .. kisi ki gala aur kisi ki… raging harmones to ranging desires that every movie left behind.. And as the canvas got older, the images begin to get crowded.

Mein bhatakata hi raha dard ke viraane mein
Waqt likhta raha chere pe har pal ka hishab
Meri shorat meri diwangi ki nazar hui
Pi gayi may ki bolte meri geeto ki kitab
Aaj lauta hoon tu hasne ki ada bhool gaya
Yeh sahar bhoola muje mein bhi ishe bhool gaya
Mere apne meri hone ki nishani mange
Aaina mujse meri paheli surat mange

 State of mind and state of place dictated my passion and it changed frequently as situation demanded it. Success provided directions, failures provided detours… pat on the back resulted in looking for another easy win, and a cold stare resulted in going for it the hard way. A convoluting, concentric and contradicting journey that left a milestone of good and bad memories….

Mera fan phir muje bazaar mein le aaya hai
Yeh vo jagah ke jahan mero vafa bikate hain
Baap bikate hain aur lakhte jigar bikate hain
Kookh bikati hain dil bikate hain sar bikate hain
Is badalti hui duniya ka khuda koi nahin
Saste daamo pe yahan roz khuda bikate hain

I cursed bad luck for failures, my hard work for success, bent backward to please someone I didn’t believe in, stood up for few who didn’t believe in themselves. Have done the best and worst.. Have sacrificed most beautiful things in the world yet have compromised morals. I have let passion drive me crazy, greed drive my ambition, compassion to hurt me..

I kept travelling person to places; places to events, triumphs to disasters. A journey of never ending rolling motion of pictures. My feet seems tired now but yet as restless as it was when I started. As my twitter pal stated…Bechainiyon se kuch yun dosti huyi, ki sukun ka saath ab ganvara nahi humey..

Aim of life is living to its fullest they say. Few people leave their legacy behind but most others leave just materials behind.. That dadaji’s radio, a Mustang, few pennies for others to continue the journey…My memories are my legacy but am not leaving it behind not because I am selfish but because no one can make good use of it.

Har kharidaar ko bazaar mein bikataa paya
Hum kya paayenge kisi ne yahaan kya paayaa
Mere aheshas mere phool kahin aur chale
Bol pujaa meri bachi kahin aur chale aur chale

That aaina is a state of mind.. Reflection I see in it is a blurry frame. In that I see layers and layers vibgyor-rainbow of hope, despair and all other emotions. I stand before it refuses to shows what I want others to see but a true reflection what I have become… I don’t expect to clear it for others nor will I try to adjust others vision. In it, I have treasured all those good, bad, ugly memories. Some haunts me some inspires me others gets me thinking. That’s my legacy and am not leaving it behind, it comes with me.  They are mine and mine alone..